Tripple OT: The rigging of the ‘greatest quarterback of all time’ conversation by the Soviet-apologist Vladimir Putin
Disclaimer: The following transcript has been derived from a secret-impromptu-Ocean’s 11-conspiracy-type meeting called by four-time respective Super Bowl champions Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw that involves several other former NFL signal-callers typically mentioned in the “greatest quarterback of all time” conversation, in addition to Russian President Vladimir Putin, in a misguided attempt by them, as in the quarterbacks, to convince him, as in Putin, to rig Super Bowl LI (51) as he did, allegedly, the 2016 United States presidential election and also, allegedly, Super Bowl XLII, when the Patriots lost to the Giants on that crazy David Tyree helmet catch, and so, but anyway, the meeting was called to make sure that Tom Brady does not become the only player in NFL history to win five Super Bowl championships, the ramifications of which would most likely finally shed some definitive light on the whole “greatest quarterback of all time” conversation-thing mentioned earlier and be all-together bad news for both Montana and Bradshaw, as well as the other professional leather egg-throwers/co-conspirators in attendance.
[Editor’s note: No, it is not. But here it is anyway.]
[Entering in order of importance (according to Montana): J. Montana, T. Bradshaw, P. Manning, other tall white gentlemen wearing J. Crew sweaters, J. Elway…]
J. Montana: All right, call to order. Good evening friends, colleagues, Elway…
J. Elway: [rolls eyes]
J. Montana: I guess you’re all wondering why Terry and I have called this secret-impromptu-conspiracy-type meeting on this sacred Sunday eve before the 51st NFL Super Bowl world championship…
B. Favre [to E. Manning]: Is that a real holiday?
E. Manning: [shrugs in languorous manner]
P. Manning: Yes, we are. What’s this all about anyway, Montana? I could be back home in Louisiana watching the Pro Bowl on Direct TV and enjoying a free large one-topping Papa John’s pizza after buying a Papa John’s pizza of equal or greater value using my Visa Checkout account right now. Gatorade.
J. Elway: [rolls eyes]
E. Manning: Yeah, what’s this all about Montana? Papa John’s: Eat Fresh.
T. Bradshaw: That’s Subway, Opie.
B. Favre [to E. Manning]: Who’s Opie?
E. Manning: [shrugs in languorous manner]
T. Bradshaw: Look, I don’t know what Brees and Favre are even doing here, with their one Super Bowl ring, but can we hurry this along? I have theater tickets.
D. Marino: What are you seeing?
T. Bradshaw: “Patriots Day” featuring J.K. Simmons and that Whalburger kid from “The Funky Bunch.”
D. Marino: I thought you meant Broadway…
J. Namath: You rang?
T. Aikman: Speaking of one Super Bowl…
J. Elway: And a documented history of embarrassing problems with drugs and alcohol…
J. Namath: It’s just alcohol.
S. Young: Poor Suzy Kolber…
J. Montana: He wasn’t talking about you, Namath.
J. Namath: [inaudible grunting]
J. Montana: Also, Bradshaw and Marino, we get it… you guys used your celebrity status to break into Hollywood. But that’s not what we’re here to talk about. We’re here to make sure next Sunday doesn’t end up a Patriot’s Day…
D. Brees: I see what you did there. Nice.
J. Montana: Gentlemen, please. We’re here because we need a guarantee. We need to make sure that the Patriots lose next Sunday and that Tom Brady does not win his fifth Super Bowl title, thus solidifying himself as the greatest NFL quarterback of all time…
J. Elway: [scoffs in sanctimonious manner]
P. Manning: Hey, Super Bowls aren’t everything, though. What about career passing yardage? Touchdowns? Successfully executed “Saturday Night Live” skits? Pizza franchises? Your dad being Archie Manning?
E. Manning: Me and Peyton have the same dad.
J. Elway: Honestly, I don’t see how that’s possible.
D. Brees: Where is Archie anyway? Second-best quarterback in Saints history…
J. Montana: Not invited. Never won a Super Bowl.
D. Brees: Marino’s here.
[the sound of chairs turning in Marino’s general direction followed by 3 to 5 seconds of awkward silence]
D. Marino: Yeah, what about passing yards?
P. Manning: How do you plan on rigging the Super Bowl, Montana?
E. Manning: Yeah, Montana. How do you plan on…
P. Manning: Eli, please. Here, take your iPad and your headphones — I’ll put “Frozen” on for you.
E. Manning: OK, Peyton.
T. Bradshaw: You should put on the end scene from “Of Mice and Men” for him instead… George.
J. Montana: Enough with the acting stuff, Bradshaw. Let’s try and stay focused here, guys.
E. Manning [singing in languorous manner]: DO YOU WANT TO BUILD A SNOWWWWMAN……
P. Manning [lifting up one side of Eli’s headphones]: Just because you can’t hear us doesn’t mean we can’t hear you.
E. Manning [yelling loudly]: SORRY, PEYTON.
J. Elway: Why don’t you just take him outside like they do with crying babies at church?
P. Manning: He’ll tire himself out in about 30 minutes. Anyway, what’s this guarantee? How do we stop the Patriots? Are you gonna tell us or what, Montana? Just Do It, Nike.
[V. Putin enters]
T. Bradshaw: Academy Award-winner J.K. Simmons!
D. Marino: Don’t be dense, Bradshaw. That’s not Academy Award winner J.K. Simmons. That’s four-time Academy Award nominee Ed Harris.
J. Montana: [blatant sigh] No, it’s not.
D. Brees: Vladimir Putin? Do they even have football in Russia?
V. Putin [in stereotypical Russian accent]: We have game where you hit drunken bear with pole.
D. Brees: Then what?
V. Putin [still in stereotypical Russian accent]: Then run.
B. Favre: We got a game kinda like that back in Mississippi.
T. Aikman: How many drinks does it take a bear to get drunk anyway?
V. Putin: 41.
B. Favre: That sounds about right.
S. Young: I don’t drink. I’m a Mormon.
J. Elway: We know, Young. You’ve mentioned it several times tonight.
S. Young: My grandfather founded Brigham Young University.
J. Elway: That, too.
J. Namath: Christ on a jetski — you got any of that bear juice on you, Putin? This secret-impromptu-conspiracy-type meeting is drier than a camel going uphill backwards.
J. Elway: That makes literally no sense.
B. Favre: We got a saying kinda like that back in Mississippi.
D. Brees: Hey, how come Bart Starr isn’t here, anyway?
T. Aikman: Or Staubach. Staubach should be here.
J. Montana: Because they've been dead for like, 20 Super Bowls by now?
T. Aikman: No. I played golf with Staubach just last week. I shot a 106 and he shot an 83 — which, incidentally, is also how old he is.
[3 to 5 seconds of awkward silence]
T. Aikman: We played nine holes.
J. Montana: Anyway, Mr. Putin is here to ensure that Tom Brady and the Patriots take the fall next Sunday. As you all know, he is sort of the expert on rigging things.
J. Namath: I swear if one of you liberal yahoos so much as says the words “popular” or “vote” I’m gonna start looking for stuff underneath the sink.
[enter D. Trump]
T. Bradshaw: “Saturday Night Live’s” Alec Baldwin!
[enter T. Brady]
P. Manning: Uh-oh…
J. Montana: Brady? What are you doing here with Trump? And why are you wearing that red limited-edition Super Bowl LI “Make the Patriots Great Again” hat?
D. Trump: Tom is one of my biggest supporters. He thinks I’m the greatest president ever, period. The best president. Just ask him.
J. Elway: Nice Uggs, Brady. LOL.
T. Brady: What am I doing here? What are you guys doing here? What — is this some kind of… secret-impromptu-conspiracy-type meeting or something?
S. Young: Wow, he saw right through that one.
J. Montana: Look, Brady — it’s not what it looks like.
T. Brady: Oh, yeah? Then what is it?
T. Bradshaw: It’s Namath. He’s dead. Just look at him. We’re gonna put sunglasses on him and pretend he’s alive so no one finds out.
T. Brady: He doesn’t look dead. He’s shaking uncontrollably, actually.
J. Namath: Putin didn’t bring any bear juice. I asked.
T. Brady: Besides, that’s the plot of “Weekend at Bernie’s” anyway.
D. Trump: Who said Bernie? Bernie Sanders is the worst. Just terrible.
V. Putin [the Russian accent thing again]: Here, Donald — you watch “Frozen” with Eli now.
D. Trump: OK, Vladimir.
T. Brady: Wait a second… Putin… the second greatest quarterbacks of all time aside from the still very much alive Bart Starr and Roger Staubach… You guys are trying to rig the Super Bowl!
S. Young: He’s very astute, this guy is. Aside from me, I’d rank him as one of the most cerebral quarterbacks of all time.
P. Manning: [clears throat]
J. Montana: OK, Brady — you caught us.
T. Bradshaw: Yeah, you caught us, alright… We were throwing you a surprise 40th birthday party. Way to ruin it.
T. Brady: But my birthday isn’t until August.
J. Elway: Look, Brady — do you want us to throw the party or don’t you?
T. Brady: Yeah, yeah, sorry. Wow — a surprise birthday party! Thanks guys! C’mon Donald, we’ll be late for our spray-tan appointment.
D. Trump: Aww, but this is the best part!
T. Brady: I said, “Let’s go,” Donald. You can play with your new friend later.
D. Trump: Oh, alright. Bye, Eli.
E. Manning [yelling loudly]: BYE, DAD!
[D. Trump and T. Brady exit]
P. Manning: OK, so we’re still gonna rig this thing, right?
J. Montana: Yeah, totally.
T. Bradshaw: You know we should do like an “Ocean’s 11”-type thing if we’re gonna do this right. I’m Clooney, obviously.
J. Montana: Whoah — if anyone’s gonna be Clooney here, it’s me.
J. Elway: [scoffs in sanctimonious manner]
D. Brees: I’ll be Ben Affleck.
T. Bradshaw: Ben Affleck was not in “Ocean’s 11.”
D. Brees: Still.
D. Marino: You know, guys, I really figured I’d be Clooney.
T. Aikman: Makes sense. You guys have won the same number of Super Bowls. LOL.
J. Elway: What are you laughing at Aikman? You’re Bernie Mac in this scenario.
P. Manning: Guys, look — I’ll be Clooney, OK? Let’s be honest — I’m kind of the leader here and obviously the best on camera.
T. Bradshaw: Whoah!
D. Marino: Whoah!
B. Favre: I was in “There’s Something About Mary.”
S. Young: I’ll be Matt Damon — you know, if it’s OK with you guys.
J. Elway: You guys know that I’m obviously Clooney in this situation, right?
S. Young [in blatantly self-conscious Boston accent]: Hey… How about them apples? How ’bout them apples. What do you guys think?
D. Brees: Who’s Eli in this scenario?
E. Manning [yelling loudly]: I WANNA BE ELSA!
D. Marino: I’m cool with that, actually, if you guys are.
J. Elway: It weirdly makes a lot of sense, actually.
T. Bradshaw: I swear, if someone tells me I’m Ross and Monica’s dad from “Friends,” I am so out of here… because I’m not. I’m Clooney or I’m nothing.
J. Montana: Me, too.
P. Manning: Same.
J. Elway: Yeah, ditto for me, about being Clooney.
J. Namath [to V. Putin]: Hey, Vlad — what do you say we ditch these squares and go find that drunk bear?
V. Putin: Da.
[end of tape]